Trying Again

Way back in 2010 I wrote about wanting to become a runner. I tried the couch to 5K program and failed miserably. I think some combination of the time needed, hard pavement and sidewalks, and summer heat did me in.


Something is different this time.


5:15 a.m. on  a treadmill isn't taking any time away from my family.


Pain and discomfort (to be expected as my body adjusts to activity) is way easier to work through on a treadmill. It is a hugely different mental battle when I don't start to experience pain with a mile left to get home. I can simply adjust what I am doing in my workout.


Walking out of my house to walk/run on my city sidewalks with a free playlist from the internet meant I had nothing at stake besides my health, which seems like it should be motivation enough. It wasn't. Knowing that I am wasting money if I don't get to the gym often enough to earn our health insurance discount is huge.


I'm not alone. Now granted, I don't actually know or talk to the people around me, but they are there. They are fighting the same battle I am, and it is nice to know that they understand. As I walk to my treadmill I pass the same woman who is already 2 miles into her run when I get there. She's still running when I leave 45 minutes later. There is the guy working on weight machines, everyday in the same white hat. Obviously, people do this successfully.


If they can do it, I can too.


And I am. 


The first day I stepped on to the treadmill before Christmas I couldn't run for two minutes without stopping.


Now I walk for a song, run for a song, walk for a song, run for a song.


I ran a half mile without stopping last week, and now I run over a mile of my two and a half mile workout.


My first goal major fitness goal is to run a mile without stopping. It will be only the second time in my 30 years of life that I'll have done so.


I say, bring it on.

Weekend Word

It seems so often on a Friday night I can look ahead to the weekend and find a word or twelve to describe the coming days.


Laundry.


Cleaning.


Napping.


This weekend the only word I see is CONNECTION.


I took a few minutes after work today and used a Christmas gift card on a decaf, skim Campfire Mocha with Milk Chocolate and sat in silence savoring each sip, using those moments to reconnect with myself after what had been a really long week at work.


I'm looking forward to dinner tonight and some family time. Dance party? Wii games? Whatever it is, it will be a time of connection that has been missing in the last few weeks.


I sent an e-mail a few minutes ago that hopefully means I'll have a coffee date tomorrow with two women I adore and haven't seen since August while our children get a chance to run and play together.


J has a fellowship breakfast in the morning, giving him more of a chance to connect with the men of our congregation.


Tomorrow afternoon I get to have lunch with some of my favorite and very first internet/blogging friends. Anyone who tells me that you can't find real connection on the world wide web has never met these women.


We've got a doggy visitor tomorrow night, in taking care of my sister's dog so she and her husband can have one last night out during what could prove to be their last weekend without a child. Surely they will appreciate the time together, and so will the dogs!


Sunday morning I'm looking forward to listening to sermon number 2 in a series about families. My husband is preaching, so I am sure I will connect with what I am hearing in a meaningful way.


Sunday afternoon finds my boys connecting with their great aunt and uncle at a water park in Wisconsin. They are so blessed to have people who work to maintain the connection in their life.


I'm hoping that I can have just a few minutes this Saturday to reconnect with my sewing machine and get a quilt bound, crossing a goal for January off of my list.


Sunday evening a member of our congregation who happens to be a chef is cooking dinner for all of our Pastor's and their wives. I'm excited (and a little terrified) to sit down and connect more fully with J's partners in ministry.


And finally, I am so looking forward to Sunday evening after dinner, alone with my husband. No kids to put to bed. No kids to put in bed again after they need a hug. No kids to put to bed again after they need a glass of water. No kids to put to bed again after they can't remember if they said "I love you and goodnight!" A chance to have real conversation and connect with my husband.


Connection. What a great word. Infinitely better than laundry.


What word describes your weekend?

Lists and Sub-Lists

When I wrote about my goals for 2012, my friend the Mrs. commented on my post and asked if I had made more lists about how to accomplish the goals on my original list. I chuckled when I read it because it is so spot on.


I love lists, so of course I made lists for things on my list.


There is a quilt list. It looks something like this:


January: Finish the quilt I'm making myself, because there is only one step left to be done.
February: Make a quilt appropriate for whatever gender child my sister pops out in January.
March: Finish the commissioned quilt a blogging acquaintance asked me about somewhere near the beginning of 2011.
April: Make the thank you quilt I designed for j's first grade teacher.
May: Make a thank you quilt for j's second grade teacher. (Don't finish it at 1 a.m. on the last day of school like his kindergarten teacher's quilt. Also, see previous line and don't wait until he is in third grade to start it.)


That is where the quilt list stops. For now.


There is also a closet transformation list. It goes something like this:

1. Take photos of closet before project starts
2. Empty closet
3. Take Photo
4. Wash closet walls and shelves
5. Paint closet walls and shelves
6. Take Photo
7. Add hooks to closet walls
8. Install LED push lights on closet walls
9. Measure shelves and shop for baskets to fit
10. Take photo
11. Sort through hats, scarves, mittens etc, and fill basket for j and e
12. Hang snow pants and jackets on j and e's respective walls
13. Close door and admire lack of winter clutter by the front door
14. Open door and take photos of the finished project
15. Blog the transformation

Pretty thorough, don't you think? 

Do you make lists? Do you make them like me? With a million tiny tasks so you can feel a sense of accomplishment over and over again?

They Do Listen

Some days I talk to my children and then wonder about their ears. I wonder if e's tubes have fallen out, or if j"s have an on - off switch I don't know about.


Scratch that. Most days I talk to my children and then wonder about their ears.


You know what? Everyday I talk to my children and wonder about their ears. It feels like I repeat everything at least once, and hearing and listening are two very different things. 


Occasionally though, one of them will surprise me.


A few days ago I rushed the boys into the house after work and daycare, and like most days after work, I was crossing my legs and running to the bathroom. (Have I ever bothered mentioning in this space that I am the only female sharing a bathroom with 8 men in my office? Enough said.)


As I passed into the hallway I said over my shoulder "j, please help e get his boots off."


And as I made it to the end of the hall?


"e, I am not going to help you until you at least try to do it yourself." 


Wise, wise, empowering words that j has heard from me ONLY ABOUT NINE MILLION TIMES.


Finally. Something I've said has taken hold!

A New Kind of Therapy

Today was a frustrating day. 


There was stuff going on at work that was really driving me insane. A late lunch and inventory issues that had me scrambling at the end of the day were really draining my attitude. 


Then I got home and found out J wasn't feeling well. He spent most of his day off in bed. 


I'll admit, I went to a familiar place after that day. Emotional eating and retail therapy.


The boys and I went to Noodles & Co. for dinner, because it is my favorite restaurant that serves something my picky boys will eat. I'll even admit that we followed that up with some ice cream.


Then we headed to Target because I needed something new to wear, but this is where I veered off from the norm.


My new clothes? A second pair of fitness capri pants and a new short sleeve technical top.


We walked into the house, I changed my clothes, laced up my shoes and headed to the gym.


Six months ago I would have laughed at you if you'd told me that I would be choosing to go to the gym and get on a treadmill at 9 o'clock on a Friday night.


Heck, a month ago if you'd told me I would look forward to getting on that treadmill I'd have looked at you like you were crazy.


But tonight? Tonight that treadmill was my therapy. Earbuds in. iPod on. One foot in front of the other. Rhythmic bouncing of my ponytail every time I bumped up the speed and ran. Breathing out my day, and breathing in fresh attitude. 


Now if only I smelled fresh.

Because I Love Lists

At the end of my last 3 years of blogging, I think I've decided to ring in the new year with a recap or "best of" post. I'm thinking that isn't so necessary this year, seeing as how I blogged a whopping 14 times in 12 months, and most of those post probably don't fall into a "best of" anything category.


Let's see, there was probably a grief filled post about my mom. I'm pretty consistent with those. I know there was a post after my Father-In-Law died. Sprinkled around posts about death, holidays and grief I probably stuck a silly picture of a kid in there and introduced my minivan.


Wow.


Blogger of the year right here. I can see her double chinned reflection in the laptop screen.


However, while I won't recap the last year, I would like to look forward to the new year ahead with hope and concrete goals. And, what better place than my blog? It is pretty much a journal at this point anyway, what with my traffic dropping from double digit views per day to my Gramma, who still checks in each day, just in case. {Hi Gram!}


So, without further self-deprecating humor, I bring you my concrete goals for 2012, in no particular order:

• Finish One (or more) quilts per month in 2012.
• Blog about each one of those quilts 3 times. Fabric/Pattern, in progress, finished product.
• Get over my fear of its features and form a habit of having my camera more available. No sense in having an expensive DSLR if I'm not going to use it.
• Never miss getting our health insurance discount at the gym. This means working out at least 12 times per month.
• Run a single mile without stopping.
• Run two miles without stopping.
• Run a 5k without stopping. At least twice. Once on a treadmill and once outdoors.
• Go for a run with my husband.
• Pay off at least $2500 in debt.
• Work on my social anxiety and step out of my comfort zone.
• Turn our front closet from a junk storage space to usable, seasonal, storage and staging space. Blog the before, after and process.
• Organize the boys' outgrown clothes and either commit to keeping them or shut the door on baby #3. {sob}
• Paint every room in our main level except the boys' room and our kitchen. And what the heck, blog about it!

Concrete goals. Okay, so almost all of them are concrete. The social anxiety one doesn't really have a scale to measure progress. We'll start with making sure I don't pass out at some Pastors and their wives dinner in a few weeks. 

Happy 2012 to me! {And you Gramma.}

Thanksgiving : Torn

This Thanksgiving morning finds me shunning my traditions. I've not thrown on a hat to head out for coffee and a pizza for breakfast. I'm not in my kitchen trying to find my way around the mountains of dishes from the previous day of dessert making in order to spend my morning making even more desserts.


I have 3 pies from our local Bakers Square in my fridge. Instead of heading to my family tradition of Eat Dessert First last night, the boys and I ran to a local thrift shop in search of black dress pants and a white dress shirt. Funeral clothes. We stopped at Target for some foam board, so that today, after turkey has been eaten and there isn't a crumb of pie left on a plate, we can sort through photos of my father-in-law and create photo boards for his visitation.


My heart feels as though it has been torn in two. I am thankful that I get to spend today surrounded by family. Sisters-in-law I didn't know I'd get to see today a week ago. Nieces I haven't seen in years. Thankful that we will still laugh together today, but also knowing we will probably cry together today as well. 


This Thanksgiving gathering will be much larger than we'd originally expected, but it will still have a great big hole. 


Rest in peace sweet Father-in-law, rest in peace. It has been 5 days and we miss you.